The Evil Pickle Jar Chronicles
by Kittioto
Summary: Probably the most rediculous spoof conceivable, starring Piccolo of DBZ! Guest stars include Pikachu, characters of The Twilight Zone, and many more. To sum it up for you: I need my jar of sweet pickles opened, ok?


  
  
(First off: you are allowed to flame me. I realize that this is probably the dumbest story in existence... well, maybe not THE dumbest, but it's on the top ten maybe. It has a lot of spoof stuff in it though... parts from movies and stuff. I hafta say though... I DID have a fun time making this. ^_^ Sure, it's so stupid it's scary... but haven't you EVER had a hard time with those STUPID pickle jar lids?? I just HAD to make a story about it. Special thanks to "Gotunks" and his amazingly even possibly more idiotic story called "Gotunks and Piccolo vs. The Sprite Bottle". IT INSPIRED ME! Thank you Gotunks! And NO, I'm not being sarcastic... not totally anyway. ^_^ Have a nice day... I'm expecting flames.)  
  
  
  
::: The Evil Pickle Jar Chronicles :::  
  
  
  
  
"CURSE THIS EVIL JAR!!!" I bellowed through the empty house. Mom, Dad, and both my brothers were gone. It was just me, and my emergency jar of sweet pickles. MAN, those things give me my kicks for the day... eat them the wrong way and you'll pay. Hey, that rhymes... oh, where was I? Well, I guess I shouldn't say it was JUST me and my pickles. Piccolo my dog was there too, (which almost doesn't count, 'cause the name sounds kinda like 'pickle' now doesn't it? PLUS, that's his nick-name for my mom) and my Zebra Finch "Kotori". That name never really did catch on...  
  
"OKAY! That is soooo IT! You EVIL never-before-opened jar! You goin' DOWN TOWN!!" I skidded all-too professionally towards the kitchen drawer, taking out my secret weapon for stubborn jars such as these... the red rubber band. Oh, YE-AH.  
  
"See this?" I waved the rubber band in front of the pickle jar, as if it wasn't an inanimate object or something. "This is your down-fall... your DESTINY." You know... for a jar, it really could tick me off... and go a little crazy. "Your treasure will be MINE! Hand it over now and I may recycle you instead of facing the infamous 'garbage dump'!!" I got no response from the pickle jar, so, without any more hesitation, I whipped the rubber band around the lid and tuuuuuurned. You could just hear the screams emit from the jar as it resisted in a futile attempt. It was going to go OFF!! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!  
  
"CRUD! STUPID lid!!" I raged some more, saying it was 'cursed', like I do sometimes with invisible screw-drivers and not-yet built file cabinets. (Inside joke alert) "I need back-up! THAT'S what I need!! REINFORCEMENTS!! Where's your brothers at the only times you need them..." Those sweet and incredibly delicious, yet all-too dangerous pickles were MINE!! BWAHAHAHAHA!!!! Thus, I began my journey.  
  
  
  
  
"IS ANYONE HERE ESPECIALLY GOOD AT OPENING PICKLE JARS!?" I screamed through the alley-way. Sure was a dark one... oh well, if anyone laid a hand on me I'd just smack them with my indestructible pickle jar. Many people came and went, trying with all their might to open the pickle jar... but none prospered. Okay, so it was only three people, and one was two years old... and one was some yellow rat called Pika- oh, I just can't say it, it's too horrible. The rest ran away yelling and screaming. Wonder why...? Was I forever to live without these delicious yummy sweet pickles?? Then... A REVELATION. "I could get one of the DBZ warriors to help me out! DUH! Why didn't I think of that before?" The people in the alley just STARED at me... like I was some crazy loon who they wouldn't trust with a potato gun. "Thank you all for your support! You've been great, but now I have to find the Z-Warriors and beg for help! Thank you so much!!" I blew a few kisses and ran off.   
  
  
  
  
Wait a sec? Where was I supposed to find the Z-Warriors anyway? JAPAN!!! YEAH! That makes sense, DUH! How was I gunna get to Japan now...? I know! I'll take a plane!! Okay, yeah. Where was I gunna get the MOOLAH for THAT!? Ah, who cares... first step: Airport.   
  
I approached the ticket-master person swaggering. "My good man... I'd like one ticket for the nearest Japan landing sight. First class." I said in a British accent. "Okay... that'll be... four thousand dollars." He said nonchalantly. "Um, put it on the King's check." "Excuse me...? Are you crazy? We can't do that!" "Oh, FINE, I'll just complain to daddy later..." I scampered off, not having a clue what to do. Then... ANOTHER REVELATION!! 'I saw this in a movie once!!' echoed through my head. "Tommy Boy" I believe. Sneakily, though I was in the wide open, I somehow or other found flight-attendant cloths lying in the middle of the floor. Very stealth-like. I picked them up and grinch-walked to the bathroom to change.  
  
  
::::FAST FORWARD:::: (I'm getting bored)  
  
  
  
I found myself in the pilot chamber. "Are we there yet??" I whined for about the billionth time. "NO!!" "Captain! Please keep your eyes on the plane!" A REAL flight attendant urged the captain sense he'd taken his eyes off the panels to yell at me. "GET THIS LOON OUTTA HERE!!" He bellowed. "My pleasure, captain!" I said in my cheerful 'perky flight attendant' tone, grabbed the real flight attendant and threw her into the passenger area. "Not her, YOU! You ditz! SHE had some brains!"   
  
::: CRASH :::  
  
I heard yells and screams from the passengers and went back to investigate. "What's wrong here trusty people?" "That guy there just freaked out and is trying to bust the window in with a fire-extinguisher!! He's says there a... ::: CREATURE ::: on the wing!!"  
  
"There is! IT'S A MONSTER! IT'S GUNNA KILL US AAAAAAALL!!! WE'VE GOT TO DO SOMETHING! IT'S RIPPING UP THE WING!!"  
  
"Now, now, sir... no use for that. I'm sure it's just the shadows reflected by Venus or Mars or something. Here, look into this little device for me... it will just take a sec..." I said soothingly.  
  
"Hey! I know what that is! That's from "Men In Black"!"  
  
"That's very nice sir, now please look at this little red window here..." I pulled down my shades.  
  
"NO WAY! YOU'RE ALL ALIENS! ALL OF YOU!!" Just then, the poor man started to go through some sort of spasm... jerking around, and there would appear to be some sort of lump rising from his shirt. "Oh no... not again..." Then uh... SOMETHING popped out of his chest. Looked really weird.  
  
"GSAAAAAAAA!!" It screamed. Well, isn't that the oddest thing...? Then it pulled on a pink too-too and danced away. Weird. Out of pure curiosity, I looked out the window. Hey! There was something ripping up the wing! Wow, the guy was telling the truth after all... the darndest things happen around here!  
  
  
::: CRASH :::  
  
  
  
"EEEEEEEEEEE!" People were heard screaming everywhere... why was everybody freaking out? There was just a freaky beast ripping up the wing, that's all...   
  
"CAPTAIN, CAPTAIN! SOMETHINGS WRONG WITH THE CAPTAIN!!" The real flight attendant screamed.  
  
"What, what's wrong with the captain? And I thought he was called a PILOT..."  
  
"What's wrong with the captain?" She asked.  
  
"Yeah, what's wrong with the captain?" I agreed.  
  
"He's gone!!"   
  
Well isn't that the darndest thing...  
  
"Well, looks like I've got no choice than to fly the plane myself!" I proclaimed.  
  
"YOU know how to fly a plane!?" The attendant asked me again.  
  
"NO!" Needless to say, I jumped in the pilot seat. Hmm... a pool of blood to my left side. Intriguing. Anyway, I grabbed the panels and acted like I knew what I was doing.  
  
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?" The attendant demanded.  
  
"Flyin'." I responded.  
  
"YOU'RE HEADED STRAIGHT DOWN YOU IDIOT!!"  
  
"OH... I knew that!"  
  
"WE'RE ALL GUNNA DIE!!!"  
  
Then... something amazing happened. The plane went UP! WOW! I was getting really good at this pretending stuff! Hey, where was the co-pilot through all this, anyway? I spotted another pool of blood to my right. Intriguing.  
  
I gave up pretending and sat back and relaxed.   
  
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?" The flight attendant shrieked again.  
  
"Enjoying the sights." I said a matter-of-factly.  
  
"WHY AREN'T YOU FLYING THE PLANE!!???"  
  
"Hey, relax... we're not crashing, now are we? Plus, that green guy is doing all the work." I pointed to a large green guy with a cape and turban who would appear to be dragging the plane through the air. Intriguing. That's when the other alien guy came out again... he started to beat up on the green guy, sending the plane rolling up and down for a while. The battle eventually got really boring and I fell asleep.   
  
Woke up a while later, still holding my jar of Sweet Pickles. Would I ever get them open? Oh yeah, we were on the ground by the way. The green guy ripped off the cock-pit doors and let me out. Groggily and rubbing my eyes, I got out, and the green guy helped the other passengers out as well.   
  
"HEY! PICCOLO!" I yelled at him right before he took off. I can tell you, he stood dead still in his tracks.   
  
"How do you know that name?" He said in a deep burly voice. I shrugged. "I'm a fan." The guy actually turned around.  
  
"You must be mistaken, I'm not the guy you're thinking of... I am a Namek who has forgotten his name long..."  
  
"Yeah, yeah, I know the speech." I cut him off.  
  
"Oh."  
  
"Could you help me with this?" I held out my jar of pickles innocently.  
  
"Sorry, those lids are impossible." He responded, looking sad.  
  
Crud.  
  
"PLEEEEEEEEEEEASE???"  
  
"No."  
  
"WWWWWWWWHAAAAAAAAAAAA!! YOU'RE MEAN! I'M NOT GUNNA WATCH YOUR SHOW ANYMORE!!!" I began to bawl my head off...   
  
"AH! Shut UP! STOP THAT RACKET!!!" Piccolo said, and clutched his head.  
  
I shut up.  
  
"Pleeeeease???"  
  
"NO!"  
  
Of course, I began to cry again.  
  
"I am NOT going to stick around here any longer!" Piccolo raged, and lifted off... but not before I grabbed onto his cape.  
  
"AAAAAH!! GET IT OFF!" He screamed in panic.  
  
"PLEEEASE?!"  
  
Piccolo tried prying my fingers off for awhile... but it was to no avail. I had one NASTY grip on his cape, and I WANTED MY SWEET PICKLES.  
  
"Okay, FINE, you little baka brat!!" Piccolo said and landed.  
  
"YAY!!" I handed him the jar. "Just open it, and I'll go!"  
  
Piccolo muttered something incomprehensible under his breath and took to a grip on the pickle jar lid. "Grrrrrrrrr... STUPID BAKA little lid..."  
  
"Be the pickle, Piccolo... you are one with the pickle... be the pickle... you are of one form with the pickle... concentrate on the pickle alone... you ARE the pickle... use the force Piccolo..." I chanted.  
  
"GRRRRRRRRRR......"  
  
"You are one with the pickle, the pickle is you... you are green like the pickle, it's just you and the pickle... THE PICKLE WANTS TO BE FREE, PICCOLO! FREE!!"  
  
"SHUT UP!!"  
  
::: POP :::  
  
  
~~~~GASP~~~~  
  
"You did it Piccolo! YOU FREED THE PICKLE!!!" I exclaimed, happier than a clam.  
  
"Great." He added dryly.  
  
With that, I began to gorge down the delicious sweet pickles, taking about five at a time.  
  
"AAAAAAAH!!!!" I screamed.  
  
"WHAT'S WRONG!? IS CELL BACK!!!???" Piccolo looked overly worried.  
  
"NO! I ate it wrong!!!"  
  
"WHA??"  
  
"AAAAH! IT BURNS!!" I clutched my nose, in total agony. THOSE THINGS ARE SOOO DANGEROUS! I'd waited so darned long to get my sweet pickles I'd eaten them too fast and let the incredibly sweet juices of them get up to my nose!  
  
Piccolo was roaring in laughter, while I stand there screaming my head off about my damaged nose. STUPID PICKLE! I'd never eat them again... good grief.  
  
"AAAAAAH!!" Piccolo's turn to scream now. Something... yellow was on his FACE, probably scratching his eyes out. Hey, wasn't that Pika- ~GASP~ CAN'T SAY IT!! Frightens me too much. But you know... the rat that tried to open the pickle jar earlier.  
  
"GET IT OFF!!!" Piccolo screamed in panic, similar to what he sounded like when I wouldn't let go of his cape. Unfortunately for him, my nose hurt WAY too much to try and scrape some evil rat off of his face. WAIT A SEC! I couldn't let Piccolo's handsome face get screwed up!! "HOLD ON PICCOLO!" I yelled and ran off to find a crow-bar.  
  
"GET IT OFF!" He raged some more.  
  
I found a crow-bar mysteriously placed about five feet away and took it to Piccolo's face.  
  
"AAAAAAAAH! CAREFUL! BAKA!" He yelled as I removed the teeth and claws of the rat from his face.  
  
I stood back and threw the rat into the air, sending it flying off to some far-away Kittioto made up place, and me and Piccolo lived scarred for life, me with my nose-him with the scars of a rat, unhappily ever-after.  
  
  
  
  
::: THE END :::  
(You must feel so happy!)  



End file.
